We broke Roy

It’s the day after the day after the night before and like Every England defeat, it gets easier with time. A Welsh friend of mine came up to me last night and asked if I was OK. I said that I was and it was true. It’s not like I haven’t had practice at dealing with England’s failure at major tournaments. Anyway, what else was I going to do? Break down in tears and fall into his arms?
Of course I hated what happened on monday night. Every England football fan did. It was embarrassing and pitiful. But I’ve seen variations on that before. I’m reading lots of articles expressing surprise at that performance. ‘Where did that come from?’ type pieces. Whereas we all know exactly where that came from. It came from the Premier League, the “best league in the world” according to the people who sell it overseas.
We’ve all seen all these players perform well in the Premier League. England finished the game with last seasons two top goalscorer on the field and I don’t think they would’ve scored if they were still there now. Wayne Rooney played for eighty-seven minutes and he looked like someone who’d never played the game before. Joe Hart made one of the best saves I’ve ever seen against Swansea last season but his (dandruff free) head looked shot to pieces. This is what playing for England can do to a person.
And yet they still think they’re brilliant. One of the Icelandic players was saying how much motivation he got from overhearing Joe Hart say to the rest of the players at half time that we really can’t play that badly against France or we’ll get beaten. At half time! When we were already getting beaten by Iceland. He also overheard Harry Kane ask the referee if losing the game meant that England were out. The arrogance is staggering. Perhaps we shouldn’t be surprised that people paid enormous sums of money and feted wherever they go lose a sense of perspective. I know I would.
And that’s where the manager comes in. He’s the one who’s meant to tell them to stop getting ahead of themselves. Personally, I’d have taken Joe Hart off at half time but if I’d have heard him mention the France game, in the tunnel within earshot of the opposition, I’d have completely lost my shit with him. But Roy’s not that sort of guy. Imagine what Antonio Conte would’ve said in that situation. Or Slaven Bilic.
I’ve always liked Roy Hodgson but on monday night, he looked like a man without a clue what he was meant to do next. I totally get the fact that it’s much easier to manage a team from the comfort of ones living room having had a couple of beers. We can all do that. But performing under pressure is what the job is. And neither Roy nor the players could handle it.
On Tuesday afternoon, Roy was dragged into a press conference by his FA bosses. He looked shattered. He said he didn’t know what he was doing there and I could only agree. As much as I wanted an explanation for what we’d witnessed the night before, I knew he couldn’t offer one. This England job breaks managers and it’s broken another one
I feel sorry for the fans who travelled out. Most of them support lower league clubs and they spend their hard earned cash following their country to summer tournaments. And it always ends in failure. I’m sure they have a good time in between games but it always goes the same way. There’s a very funny Youtube clip of a Charlton fan, during the game, swearing mightily and complaining about how he’s been let down again. It ends with him saying “I’ve had a shit season and now I’m having a shit summer”. Haven’t we all.

Worse than Croydon

This piece contains one or two sentences borrowed from a piece I wrote six years ago just after we’d been beaten 4-1 by Germany at the World Cup in South Africa. Some of it is still relevant now and no doubt will be in fifty years when our Grandchildren are watching us lose to The Maldives in World Cup 2066

Well, that was shit. I knew there was anti-European sentiment in the country but I had no idea it extended to the England team. That performance was the worst thing I’ve ever watched. I’ve seen England draw with Algeria when we couldn’t string two passes together. I saw England get absolutely stuffed by Germany at the same World Cup and this was worse. I watched England lose to Holland with a goal by a bloke who should’ve been sent off and this was worse. I’ve seen us lose to Germany, on penalties twice in semi-finals and this was worse.
Never has being an England fan felt quite so pointless. Every time they jet off to a tournament in their new suits with the nations hopes pinned firmly on them, you think to yourself “this time, I won’t get drawn in. This time, I won’t fully commit so that when it ends in ignominy and embarrassment, at least I won’t feel quite as desolate”. And then they arrive at a tournament and in the press conferences, they all say how happy they are to be there and how the mood is really good. And you start to think ‘maybe this time’. And they play OK in the Group stages and even though they don’t qualify top, there are signs that things are coming together and you feel a slight sense of optimism. And then last night happens.
You’d think that surely now, as they sit in the airport waiting for their (hopefully massively delayed) flight home, the players in the England team know that they’re nowhere near as good as they thought they were. You’d hope that with their humiliation at the hands of Iceland, the realization might have finally dawned on them that even though they’re on multi-million pound contracts, collectively, we are, as a footballing nation worse than Iceland. Worse than a country with the same number of people as Croydon. Yes, Iceland were immense. They were, fitter and had more imagination, more heart, more team spirit and more skill. But surely our best eleven should be able to beat their best eleven. Shouldn’t they? Apparently not.
I know all the excuses and I’m not going to revisit them here. But something’s going very wrong. My friend asked me last night if England were cursed and I thought ‘we’ve looked for the causes to our multiple failures in all sorts of places. Perhaps we should consider the supernatural. We’ve tried everything else, maybe a witchdoctor might be the answer. Why don’t we sacrifice a chicken and spread it’s entrails over the centre circle at Wembley? Maybe that will help’.
As for Roy, he resigned straight after the game. He read from a statement that sounded like he’d spent some time over it but he insisted he wrote straight after the final whistle. Personally, I’d like to have heard what he thought about that performance but like pretty much everything the FA does, it was mismanaged. Wayne Rooney apologised and Joe Hart apologised but no-one really explained what happened. Possibly because they can’t. Who could explain that?

Here we go

I'm running around today trying to get things done before five. I don’t want to miss either of the games. First up is Italy against Spain. It’s a bit ridiculous that these two footballing giants are meeting in the second round but these are the anomalies you get when there are twenty-four teams. Italy in particular can feel a bit aggrieved to have won a difficult group and then get drawn against Spain in the first knock out game. Belgium finished below them and ended up spanking Hungary 4-0 last night.
Even with their slightly dubious style of defending, I’ve got a lot of admiration for the Italians. Firstly, they have my favourite national anthem. It’s a great tune and is as unlike the dirge like British national anthem as it’s possible to be. I like watching them singing it. Also, they know how to get a result. I said before their group game against Belgium that it was instructive to watch as the camera panned along the line of players. The Italians looked massively experienced and totally ready. They will take some stopping.
The same could be said for Spain. They are of course the double European Champions and they also won the World Cup in 2010. The team is packed with brilliant footballers and they have Andres Iniesta, a player I believe is as good in his position as anyone ever has been. What a nightmare he must be to play against. Up to this point, I haven’t gone in for predictions in these blogs and I’m not about to start with a game like this. But it will be tight.
And then after the hors d’oeuvres, we have, for the people of England and Iceland the main course. England are massive favourites for this game and that’s only right and proper. Aside from Gylfi Sigurdsson, no-one I know had heard of a single one of their first eleven. That doesn’t mean they’re not good players (Arsenal just spent thirty-million quid on a player I was only vaguely aware of) but it does mean that man for man, we’re better than they are. But there’s no doubt that Iceland are a tight knit group and they’ll have the vociferous backing of one in every twenty-two people from Iceland who will actually be at the game.
I think this match could be incredibly tight. I can’t imagine Iceland doing a huge amount of attacking and if the last three games have shown us anything, it’s that England have difficulty in breaking down packed defences. If England score early, I think they’ll win by two or three. But if it’s still level after seventy-five minutes, we could be looking at penalties. And if that happens, may God have mercy on our souls.

Lacking in Excitement

Jesus, the all British affair of Wales v Northern Ireland was shit. We had Martin Atkinson as ref as well so the entire pitch was peopled with Brits. It was like a post Brexit version of what the Euros could become and it wasn’t pretty. It looked like a reserve match where a couple of first team players were getting a run out to regain fitness. The first half was as bad a half of football as we’ve seen at these Championships. It got marginally better around the fifty minute mark when Wales had a shot and Northern Ireland crossed the halfway line for a short while. And then it reverted back to sheer soporific boredom until Gareth Bale decided to take control and hit a great cross into what we now call the corridor of uncertainty. And that was that. I’m starting to think that Wales could actually win the bloody thing.
All three knockout games yesterday were pretty poor. I watched some of Switzerland v Poland and it was OK I suppose. The Poles were much better but the truth is, it’s hard to care either way. As a neutral, all you really want are lots of goals, incidents and possibly a bit of ludicrous pushing and shoving. We didn’t get much of any of that although Shaqiri’s goal was lovely and penalty shoot outs are always dramatic.
Modern footballers are just a bit too good nowadays. A bit too well drilled. Very few people make mistakes anymore. Everybody’s first touch is perfect so it’s just a case of defenders shepherding players away from danger. Nobody takes risks anymore. They pass it backwards and forwards across the defence and the opposition push up to deny them space to turn. And then it goes back the other way. In the past, passes might be hit vaguely in the right direction but players would mis-control the ball and give the opposition a chance. Tackles would come flying in and players were scythed down with some regularity. Who wouldn’t like to see Cristiano Ronaldo scythed down once in a while.
Talking of CR7, I had to work last night so I missed almost all of the Croatia v Portugal bore fest. My friends tell me that basically nothing happened for one hundred and twenty minutes. I got home in time to see the goal. Ronaldo hit a first time shot that the keeper somehow managed to save but Quaresma nodded in the rebound. It was funny to watch Cristiano celebrate separately from the rest of his ecstatic team mates. Almost as if he’s not quite part of the collective.
Here’s hoping that today brings something a bit more exciting.

Turn off your Phone Raheem

It's all gone a bit quiet on the Euro front. I guess there's been other stuff going on but I really want the football to start again. There was some news coming out of the England camp that Raheem Sterling had been a bit depressed because of all the negativity on social media. And there has been a fair bit of it, some of it from me after he missed that chance against Wales. I know this is a radical solution but someone should take his mobile phone away. Or at least turn off the data. Is that even allowed with twenty year olds? Would they die from the shock?
By the way, doesn’t it feel like England haven’t played for about a year? Not long to wait now. But first we have all the other Round of 16 (I hate that expression) games. I might take a glance at Poland against Switzerland but aside from being either 1) the country that my Grandparents were born in or 2) the country where my Grandparents money may well have ended up, I have no connection with either place.
The second game is Wales against Northern Ireland and I’ll definitely be watching this one. Michael O’Neil predicted a cup tie feel for this game and it’s a fair prediction seeing as it actually is a cup tie. I’ve also heard various pundits say that it will be like a Premier League game but the truth is it won’t. For one thing, there won’t be anyone on the pitch from outside the UK which is unlike any premier league game I’ve watched. Also, most the Northern Ireland team don’t even play in the Premier League. This makes their achievement in getting this far quite spectacular. Some of their stories are brilliant. One of their forwards Josh Magennis spent most of his youth playing as a goalkeeper. I know they all want to play outfield but how many of them get to do it at a major tournament?
As for Wales, I’ve had a cheeky fiver each way bet on them winning the tournament. I know it’s ridiculous but why not. They’re playing well, they’re in much the easier side of the draw, they’re scheduled to meet Belgium in the quarter final and they beat them twice in qualifying. And if you get to a semi-final, anything can happen. Greece won Euro 2004 with a much more limited team and Wales have Gareth Bale. Stranger things have happened, not least in the Premier League last season.
I think Croatia will beat Portugal although with Ronaldo, anything is possible. He’s a strange man. It can’t be easy being almost the best footballer on the planet but not quite. None of us would mind being in that position but he’s Ronaldo. He has to be the best and his frustration with his Portuguese team mates is palpable. It’s difficult to know when he’ll have his meltdown at this tournament but it will definitely happen at some point.

Some Distraction Required

Writing a blog about Euro 2016 today feels a little pointless. Firstly, there are no games. Secondly, who wants to read a (hopefully) amusing piece about the only European thing we’re still in? And then I thought fuck it. These bastards have lied and lied in order to get people to vote to “get their country back” and the likely outcome is that one old Etonian will hand over power to another old Etonian. Surely we all need something to take our mind off the news.
So as we all know, there’s a major football tournament taking place in (soon to be more difficult to get into) France. And our teams are doing quite well. And when I say our teams, I include Ireland in that even though I know they’re not a “home” country. But seriously, right now, who cares about any of that? I might not have been singing The Fields of Athenry on Wednesday night but I still found some joy in their victory over the Italians and I’ll be cheering them on against the French. Mainly because England would have a better chance of beating them in the quarter final.
Not that I’m in any way ignoring Iceland. I’ve loved watching Iceland in this tournament and they’re no pushovers. They look indomitable. They beat Holland home and away in the qualifiers and they will present a formidable challenge on monday evening. They’re obdurate, together and they love their underdog status. Whereas we’re England with our football history and our Premier League “superstars”. They’ve got nothing to lose.
But, if we don’t beat them, I imagine the reception back at Luton airport will not be a welcoming one. (Personally, I’d make them land at the furthest gate from the terminal building and then only open one booth on passport control.) Let’s face it, after the disaster of last night (I know some of you may feel differently but it’s my opinion), I think it’s even more crucial that the England team put on a performance and cheer us all up.
All was sweetness and light at the England training camp yesterday as the team tried to shine the best possible light on us being in the most challenging part of the draw. It was all “we’ll just take each game as it comes” and “every game is hard at this stage of the competition”. And I accept that. On the other hand, I’d rather have to play, for example Northern Ireland, Belgium and Croatia to get to the final than Iceland, France and Italy. But here we are.
Anyway, there’s only one more day of this interminable waiting before we get back to some proper football. In the meantime, we can all contemplate the prospect of having to queue up for visas at the Spanish embassy and the thought of Boris Johnson as our next Prime Minister. Until tomorrow.

Warming up Nicely

I know some people watched the final EU referendum debate on Channel 4 but if they’re football fans and they still chose that over the Ireland game, there’s something very wrong with them. Ireland are a decent but limited football team but the way they went about trying to beat the Italians was superb. I don’t think there’s any way that Ireland would’ve beaten a full strength Italian team but then I didn’t think they’d beat the Italian reserve team and they did. To score one minute after missing the most glorious chance of the game and for the goal to be made by the guy who missed it was beautiful.
And then it was just a case of hanging on. The fact that Italy didn’t actually need a goal probably helped but they’ve still got their pride and Antonio Conte does not look like a man who takes defeat lightly. When the final whistle went, proof if any were needed that this was an incredible performance came when the camera caught Roy Keane with a big beaming smile on his face. And seeing Gianluigi Buffon looking genuinely happy as he congratulated Martin O’Neil was a nice touch as well. So England, Wales, Northern Ireland and Ireland are all in the last sixteen. I almost felt sorry for Scotland for a couple of seconds. But that feeling passed fairly quickly.
The early games were just brilliant. Hungary have been one of the surprises of the tournament and they took the game to Portugal. But Ronaldo finally sorted his head out, scored two and the Portuguese scraped into the last sixteen. But the real story happened in the other game where Iceland nicked a last minute winner against Austria. If you get a chance, try and watch the Icelandic commentary on their winning goal. It’s excitable.
So now we know who will play who in the last sixteen and there are some tasty ties. I’m not sure some of the football on display for Wales v Northern Ireland will be of the highest quality but the atmosphere will be something very special. Croatia v Portugal will be a proper match and Belgium v Hungary is not a foregone conclusion. Seeing the Irish take on France will be worth it just to see Thierry Henry’s face if the Irish somehow nick it. Particularly if it’s a dodgy handball goal. We’ll get to see the first proper heavyweight clash as Italy take on Spain. And finally, England will take on Iceland in a re-run of the Cod Wars of the 1960s.
So much to look forward to but first, we have to contemplate two days without any football. Which is a relief for my family but a nightmare for the rest of us. Surely there’s a kick about happening somewhere.

Roy Hodgson's Master Plan

I watched most of the Germany v Northern Ireland game yesterday and the last time I saw a more one sided match was when my school team took on William Ellis and got beaten 14-0. If only we’d had Michael McGovern in goal instead of a short, overweight Jewish kid. The Northern Ireland keeper made seven or eight great saves and is the main reason that they’ve qualified for the last sixteen. Due to the rather convoluted draw, we don’t know whether they’ll be playing Wales or France as yet. Personally I hope it’s France in Paris, I think their fans deserve that. They may have been outclassed on the pitch but in the stands, they kept singing for the entire game. They’ve even got a song about one player (Will Griggs) who hasn’t spent a single second on the pitch. This is exactly what the Euros should be about.
I know people are starting to moan about the tournament going on a bit and I get that. I think we’re all ready for some clashes between major football nations and a bit of penalty heartbreak (we all know who THAT will be). But there haven’t been many bad games and it’s only going to get better. We seem to have moved on from the crowd trouble and now it’s all about thousands of people in replica shirts having a gigantic party. There are worse things going on in Europe right now.
Meanwhile, I read this sentence in the Guardian earlier today. “Roy Hodgson’s unsuccessful selection gamble in England’s final group game has left senior figures within the Football Association questioning whether he has made a serious error of judgment that could jeopardise the team’s progress and potentially have repercussions for his future as manager”.
I must say, senior figures in the FA can do one. These are presumably the same senior figures who appointed Steve McLaren. The same senior figures who paid Fabio Capello six million quid a year. The same senior figures who nobody’s ever heard of but pull in a six figure salary for what exactly?
Don’t get me wrong. I think reaching the quarter finals is the least I’d expect from this group of players and if we don’t, I’d blame the manager. I’m not sure Roy Hodgson is the right man for the job. Nobody is. But this is a young team with a big future and Roy is at least trying to do something different. (Have England ever dominated possession for three successive games at a major championships?) He might have made too many changes. He might have left Rooney out but it’s not like we played terribly and we did make chances. Incidentally, to ensure they got a result yesterday, Spain played the same eleven against Croatia as they did in the first two group games. They lost, which means that a tired Spain team will play Italy in the next round whereas at least some of our lot will have had a rest.




 

What would Slaven do?

I’ve been watching Slaven Bilic doing the pundit thing on the telly and I’m beginning to feel a man crush coming on. It’s a big thing for me to admit seeing as how I’ve borne a grudge against the man since 1998 when he cheated Laurent Blanc out of his chance to play for France in a World Cup final in Paris. But everyone should be given a second chance and at this point, I’d like to put in a request for Slaven Bilic to manage my life. I think I’m performing reasonably well but I just think he’d get more out of me. He has an inspirational quality and given his help and motivation, I could perhaps go all the way.
Which is more than can be said for England. One of the pleasing aspects of the build up to this Euros was the lack of bullishness of all but the most one eyed of England fans. Almost no-one said we were going to win the thing and it turns out the majority were probably right. I would of course love to be proved wrong but watching England huff and puff for ninety minutes, it’s hard to imagine anything but a sticky end when England meet a half decent team.
You’d have thought that a squad with five forwards including two of the three highest scorers in the Premier League would be able to score more than three goals against Russia, Slovakia and Wales. But it turns out that when Englishmen are doing the creating as well as the scoring, the chances are not quite as clear cut.
Roy’s getting a bit of stick this morning for making six changes. I guess it was a gamble that didn’t pay off and I’m sure he’d have expected some negative comments. Leaving Rooney out was a big call but as for the others, it felt like an ideal time to see what the rest of the squad are made of. And surely these top Premier League players had enough to beat Slovakia. Turns out they didn’t and the draw, coupled with Wales victory over Russia (well done Wales) means that we now have an alternative route to the final (ha!) which includes a possible quarter final meeting with France. Oh dear.
And yet, Slaven thinks we can do well. He confidently asserted that England will do better when we’re playing against a team who are actually trying to score a goal. He said that our players are better when they’ve got space to run into and there was no space last night because Slovakia had eleven men behind the ball. And he said it with such conviction that I thought maybe he knows what he’s talking about (well, he definitely knows what he’s talking about but this is England at a major tournament so allow me a certain level of scepticism). It’s not over yet.

Day of Destiny No.1

This evening represents what all England fans hope will be the first of five days of destiny for Roy Hodgson and his team. Win against Slovakia and our next opponents could be Albania who may well qualify as one of the four, third placed teams after their win last night. I watched the highlights of their game and they battled away. Their fans made a fearsome racket as well. But compared to a lot of the teams in France, they look like a very fit pub team. Passionate but limited. I’d love England to play them in the next round.
On the other hand, if we blow it, we could be playing Portugal (with a wounded Cristiano Ronaldo looking to make his mark on the competition) and then if we somehow get past them, France in the quarter finals. This has been our problem at a number of tournaments recently. Finishing second in the group has meant that our first knock out game has been much harder than we would’ve liked (think Argentina in 1998 or Portugal in 2004). There’s a lot riding on this game.
Which is why the news that Roy is thinking of making six changes has worried me. It’s like he’s read the criticism about him being a conservative manager and thought “I’ll show them how not conservative I am”. The word is that Wayne Rooney is going to be left on the bench for tonights game. For two years, a strident minority of England fans have been asking for Wayne Rooney not to be in the England team. And now, having given his best performances in an England shirt for the last twenty years, Roy’s resting him. Does he need a rest? It’s not like he’s been tearing around the pitch like an eighteen year old.
Also tonight, Wales take on Russia and for all sorts of reasons (Wales being one of the home nations, abhorrence of Russian hooligans, widespread doping in Russian sport, prevailing homophobic attitudes, Vladimir Putin and Russia’s political belligerence), I really hope Wales stuff them.
I started off watching the France v Switzerland game last night but they made five changes and they looked disjointed (take note Roy). There was a definite moment when both teams realised that a point would do and after that, I turned over. The most interesting things about the game were the burst ball and the four Swiss players shirts disintegrating after being pulled by their French opponents. Xerdan Shaqiri said that he hoped that Puma (the shirt manufacturer) did not make condoms. Who knew the Swiss were funny? 

Progress Report

Everybody has now played two games and what have we learnt?
1. England have a lot of strikers at their disposal and Roy intends to use them all. Often at the same time. Roy gets criticised for being unadventurous (how many adventurous sixty-eight year olds do you know) but two half time substitutions against Wales was bold.
2. England fans are, in the main, decent and courteous people but we have a small minority of complete arses. Having said that, so do a fair proportion of the countries at the tournament.
3. Our fans singing “Fuck off Europe, we’re voting out” is a good indicator of the level of debate in the EU referendum
4. The Russian hooligans have taken crowd violence to a different level. If we want to compete, we have to step up our combat training.
5. Raheem Sterling is not as good as he thinks he is. But he’s also not as bad as we think he is. I know the level of hyperbole goes up several notches during a tournament but everyone needs to calm down a bit.
6. Even though most pundits wrote off the Italians chances, they now appear to be one of the favourites for the tournament.
7. Everyone except Cristiano Ronaldo loves Iceland. He criticised the Icelandic team for having a “small nation mentality” which is perhaps not surprising seeing as Iceland’s population is the same as Leicester.
8. Whilst the Welsh are definitely not a one man team, they’re extremely reliant on that one man.
9. Spain are really good. We all knew that anyway but after the last World Cup, I think we’d all started to doubt whether this astonishing generation of players could do it again. I watched the game against Turkey and it appears that they can.
10. Joachim Low is a fan of the smell of the contents of his trousers. Fine in itself but I’d rather not have seem him actually do what he did. Also, sadly for him, it’s what he’s now going to be remembered for which is a shame seeing as he managed a team that won the World Cup.
11. The refereeing has been way better than anyone expected. Long may that continue although a couple of dodgy decisions going England’s way would partly make up for Frank Lampard’s over the line non-goal in 2010.
12. Flares are readily available in France. And also apparently very easy to smuggle into heavily policed football stadia.
13. Croatian football fans seem to be more pissed off with each other than fans of other countries. Whilst things in the Balkans have definitely calmed down, it’s apparent that they’re bubbling away nicely just under the surface
14. Policing in riot gear from a distance with tear gas is not sophisticated. The French police should really take some tips from their English counterparts.
15. The Welsh fans are rather good at communal singing. Their national anthem before the first game was a spine tingling moment.
16. Belgium are a strange team but if they ever properly get it together, they could win the whole thing. Although it’s also possible they’ll lose to Sweden and be on the first plane home. At least they haven’t got a long journey back
17. Football is a brilliant game. Anyone who doesn’t like it just isn’t watching it properly.

Flares

More crowd trouble last night as Croatia fans fought amongst themselves and threw flares onto the pitch. According to Slaven Bilic, it’s a dispute between fans who come from Split and fans who come from Zagreb and I’ve no reason to doubt what he’s saying. It was a little odd because it kicked off when Croatia were 2-1 up against Czech Republic (or Czechia as they now wish to be called). The Croatian players were so upset by the scene that one of them tried to punch the ball clear in his own penalty area and the Czechs got a draw they definitely didn’t deserve.
As for the flares, one wonders how people keep managing to smuggle them into the grounds. These championships were meant to be the most heavily policed and security conscious in history and yet idiotic young men are managing to smuggle marine distress signals into the stadium. Where the hell are they getting them? Are they sailors on shore leave? Are there countless marine supplies shops dotted across France?
The upshot of all this is that Croatia could be thrown out of the tournament although it would seem a bit unfair seeing as Russia got a final warning. Perhaps it’s like false starts at the athletics. The first one is a warning to everyone and the second one is an immediate disqualification. In which case we should start a fight amongst the Spanish fans because their team looked really good yesterday. This is a joke by the way.
Spain really are a class act and I felt for the Turkey players getting booed by their own fans. I’m sure they were trying really hard, they just couldn’t get the ball off the Spanish. Playing against Iniesta can’t help. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a player who has a more complete picture of where everyone is on a football pitch at any time. He has more touches than anyone else and he NEVER gives the ball away. Has England ever produced a player like that? Has anywhere?
There was a nice shot of Wayne Rooney walking through Chantilly with his son on his shoulders. Just a dad taking his son for a little stroll. But for the fact that it was one of the most famous men in the country, you wouldn’t have given it a second glance. There didn’t seem to be any bodyguards although it’s possible they were discreetly there but just out of shot. Whatever, this way of mingling with the locals seems a much more sensible way of carrying on than the team being cloistered in some heavily guarded compound. During something as enormous as a major tournament, a bit of normality every so often can’t hurt. Although I wouldn’t suggest he takes a stroll down at the port area in Marseilles.

Tense as a Pig

England beat Wales yesterday and it was tense. My friend Keith has often used the expression “tense as a pig” and while none of us has any idea what he’s talking about, if any game was going to take me to pig levels of tension, yesterday was it. An injury time winning goal for your team is a beautiful moment and it was lovely to feel some of the joy that other countries seem to get on a regular basis. Watching England at a major tournament can so often feel like a massive chore but the explosion of joy at the end was genuine and heartfelt. It feels like we’re finally part of the whole thing and I like the way we kept plugging away.
One could say that Roy got lucky and possibly that’s true. It does seem a little odd to bring four strikers to the Euros (I’m counting Wayne Rooney as a midfielder at this point) and only play one at a time. But what the hell do I know. Perhaps this was the plan all along. Start with one striker and when that doesn’t work out replace him with all the others. I enjoyed Roy’s celebration as well. I can’t begin to imagine the pressure he’s under at the moment and that goal looked like it lifted a massive weight from his shoulders. He deserves a little thanks from a grateful nation, at least for a few days until he brings on the wrong player against Slovakia and we can go back to abusing him.
Jamie Vardy scored with virtually his first touch and the fairy story continues. I wouldn’t be totally shocked if he scored the winner in the final, won the golden boot and was knighted in the New Years honours list. Well I would be but his life at the moment appears to be operating on that rare level where he dreams that something incredible will happen and then it happens.
Daniel Sturridge got the winner and it was joy unconfined although I could do without the celebration dance. Of course I’ll be happy to see it five or six more times at the tournament but I find him a difficult footballer to love. He’s obviously a phenomenal player and when he’s on his game he’s virtually unplayable but he’s just a little too selfish for my liking. And I’m also not too comfortable with sports people professing their thanks to God for letting them play well. If God was that much on your side, you probably wouldn’t be starting on the bench.
As for Joe Hart, he’ll be a relieved man this morning but I wouldn’t be too hard on him. Gareth Bale takes an unbelievable free kick and he’s definitely got goalies psyched out. It’s all very well pundits sitting there and saying that he should’ve started further to the right but Bale has the ability to hit the ball either way and keepers are trying to second guess him. Also, he hits the ball very hard indeed.
I’m told by friends who were there that the atmosphere was intense. At one point during the game, there was a great shot of a Wales fan crying with the emotion of it all. The camera stayed on him and his mates pointed out to him that he was on the big screen. There was no mocking him. Most of the people there and those watching at home would’ve cried at football at some point so there’s no shame in that. It was just great to see the passion.
It was a good day for Northern Ireland as well. I can only apologise for slagging them off the other day but they were terrible in the first match and they all said so. But they were transformed yesterday and beat Ukraine. How brilliant that there’s something riding on their last group game against Germany in Paris.

Afternoon Delight

Before we get onto todays game, I must mention last nights France v Albania clash. I’m really enjoying watching the French. The atmosphere at their matches is great and they’ve got a hell of a squad. Being able to bring on Pogba and Grieszman at half time must be very dispiriting for the opposition although fair play to Albania, they kept at it. But finally the French got the winner (and an unnecessarily cruel second) and once again the nation rejoiced. If England played France in the final, I’d definitely want England to win but I’d feel a smidgen of regret for ruining their party. Only a smidgen though.
As for the game this afternoon, O. M. G.  By the way, well done to any bosses or school heads who are allowing their employees/kids to watch the game. It’s the only sensible option. It’s not like they’re going to be able to concentrate anyway. The moment of truth has arrived much quicker than I thought it was going to. Most teams wait till the third group game before things get really fraught but this is England. We like to do things the hard way. I know everyone says this about their team but I really think it applies to us more than most. When did we ever breeze through the group stage?
Let’s be honest, we should’ve beaten Russia. They’re not that good. I watched their second game against Slovakia and they offered very little until late in the second half. And by then, Slovakia had taken more than one of their chances so they had a little wriggle room. That Hamsik is very good by the way. We’ve got some excellent players but I don’t think anyone of that level and those are the type of players that win tight games.
Wales of course have got someone even better than that level. It must be weird to almost always be the best player on the pitch. Shockingly, it’s not a feeling I’m familiar with and even if you are, there must have come a point when some young kid skipped past your despairing lunge and then played a sixty yard pass and you thought ‘blimey, they are MUCH better than me’. But Gareth Bale must walk out most of the time knowing that he’s better than everybody else. And he is.
So the question is how do you stop him? Well, first things first do not give away any free kicks close to the penalty area. He’s very good at those. Don’t let him turn and run at you either. He’s a nightmare when he does that and he’s definitely quicker than any of ours. You could try limiting his efforts to long range shots but he loves shooting. He had fifty-six shots in the qualifying games, more than anyone else in Europe. Try and stop him doing that. Also, he’s very dangerous in the air so if you can prevent crosses coming in to him, that would be great. Other than that, he shouldn’t cause you any trouble.
There are other players in the Welsh team. Ramsey is very good and dangerous in the box and Williams is a proper defender. And there’s some others as well who are decent Premier League quality. But it’s all about Bale. Stop him and we’re more than likely to keep a clean sheet. And if we do that, with our strikers, we might just win the game.

Iceland

I've given the country of Iceland very little attention up to this point in my life. Not from any prejudice towards the Icelandic, it's just that I've been thinking about other things. Off the top of my head, I became aware as a child that we went to war with them over fish and we had Magnus Magnusson presenting Mastermind on the telly. And then aside from a couple of Icelandic footballers who played in the Premier League and them having a massive economic meltdown, I didn’t think about Iceland again until I got  stuck overseas because of the volcano. That is I believe the sum total of my Icelandic interaction.
Now, I love them. Seeing them upset Portugal was the comedy highlight to date. Ronaldo pouting and complaining that they only came to defend and they have a ‘ small mentality’ was particularly funny. I have a lot of time for Ronaldo and he is a fantastic footballer but in this case, he really needs to stop talking. As for Pepe, his upset face is always a joy to watch. And then this morning, Iceland Foods trolling Nando’s on Twitter. Well, if that doesn’t put a spring in your step I don’t know what will.
Iceland’s next game is against Hungary, another team who got a result against the odds. At that game, we had the added bonus of seeing them get their goals at the same end as their supporters. I love that. Their striker had not scored for forty-four games which as he’s still in the international team tells me that they have a dearth of Hungarian striking talent. But he got the first (lovely team goal btw) and it was great to watch him celebrate with the fans. And the finish for the second one was sublime.
There’s been a few mind games between the England and Wales players ahead of the game tomorrow. I have no idea whether any of this has any effect and we’ll never know. But it’s something to fill the papers when we’re not actually playing. It is beautifully poised but I’d rather we had three points and they had one.

They Shall Not Pass

God, I love Italians defending a 1-0 lead. There was something brutally beautiful about the way that the Belgian attack was almost completely neutered by the Italian defence. Romelu Lukaku may have had worse evenings but not many. Every time the ball came anywhere near him, there was an Italian on hand to poke a toe in or kick him or generally just put him off. Ditto with Kevin De Bruyne who also had one of those nights. And when Eden Hazard turned and ran with the ball, they just guided him into less dangerous areas.
As the second half progressed and things got more heated, they resorted to the odd tactical foul. And when I say odd, I mean any time they had to. You could see them thinking ‘it’s about time for me to collect a yellow card’ and then wrestling a Belgian to the ground just as it looked as if an attack might develop. It was fabulously cynical.
When they played the national anthems before the game, the camera panned along the teams. The Belgians looked like modern footballers do. All massively over the top £300 haircuts and jewellery and ridiculous tattoos. Naingolan had what looked like a flower on his neck. They looked like young boys with too much time and money on their hands.
Whereas the Italians looked like men about to do a job of work they’d done many times before. The last few in the line were Giorgio Chiellini, Andrea Barzagli, Leonardo Bonnuci and Gianluigi Buffon. Combined age 133 and over 350 international caps between them. They were lustily singing the Italian national anthem and they looked relaxed and ready. They didn’t look in the least concerned about having to play one of the top ranked teams at the tournament.
Part of the reason that people love the Premier League is because it’s exciting and there are lots of goals. One of the reasons is that we do have some amazing attacking talent but mainly it’s because there are very few players who know how to defend anymore. (The exceptions to this last season were Wes Morgan and Robert Huth and look where their team ended up). Sure John Stones can tackle when required but I don't sense it’s something he loves. Laurent Koscielny is quick and strong but I don’t see him leaving someone in a heap on the floor on purpose.
Whereas the Italian centre backs go about their destructive work with a gleeful exuberance. They will do anything to stop you scoring which let’s face it is the entire point.They’re disciplined, well drilled, they work as a team and they absolutely LOVE defending. Martin Keown as co-commentator was almost purring at some of the tackles. And let’s not forget that they can all play. Bonnuci played the pass for the first goal and Pirlo would’ve been proud of that one.

Never mind the bollocks, here's the football

A major international tournament is a perfect time for someone like me. If football is on the telly, I’ll give it a go. You never know when you might see something spectacular. And although incredible things are more likely to happen in top level football, one only has to watch the goal highlights shows from the football league to realise that you can see amazing stuff all the way through league one and two and beyond. Fat blokes who barely made it to the ground for kick off are curling in thirty-five yard free kicks into the top corner. Not often but you never know. Which is why you have to watch all of it.
With that in mind, I tried to watch Northern Ireland play Poland. After the stirring stuff from Wales and the slightly unfortunate draw for England, I was hoping that the other country connected to us by geography and politics could do the business. As we know, the Poles are a decent international team with some quality players and one superstar. Whereas the Northern Irish are something of an unknown quantity. And I discovered that the reason that they’re unknown is that they’re virtually unwatchable. I really wanted them to go for it but they showed so little ambition, I went and had a lie down at half time. A sort of if you can’t be arsed, neither can I. (To give you some context, it was late afternoon and I often have a nap around that time. Of course if I’m watching a really good game, I might push on through to the evening but this game was SO boring, I couldn’t face another minute). I also watched some of Germany v Ukraine and the Germans are contenders. But we knew that.
Meanwhile, UEFA have threatened England and Russia with expulsion from the tournament if there’s any more trouble. Serious stuff. But I don’t even want to talk about that anymore. There are dozens of decent and sometimes worthy articles asking what can be done/suggesting what should be done. Read them.
I want to talk about the football and how unifying a big tournament like this can be. About my mates from Wales and Northern Ireland who’ve never been to a major finals having a fantastic time mixing with fans from other nations. About Welsh fans applauding a married couple and giving them a guard of honour. That sort of nonsense. Onwards and hopefully upwards

SO TOTALLY England

For fucks sake. That was SO England. Cruising along without really being under any pressure and looking for all the world like we were going to win an opening game at the Euros for the first time ever. And then James Milner was brought on and I’d guess that the reaction around the country was a pretty much universal “Milner?”. Anyway, he came haring out of defence, their bloke wandered past him, stood it up at the back post and their big Russian centre half (who couldn’t look more like a big Russian centre half) headed it agonisingly but let’s be honest very skilfully into the far corner of the net. We played so well, particularly in the first half but as the cliche goes, you’ve got to make the most of those periods when you’re in control of the game and if you don't and it’s only 1-0, there’s always a danger that you’ll let them back into it. Which is what happened.
But there were a lot of positives. The players didn’t look fearful or concerned about carrying the weight of expectation of fifty-million English people on their shoulders. They didn’t looked scarred by past failures mainly because most of them haven’t had any. And Wayne Rooney has now assumed the role of some sort of elder statesman (30!) and looks happier the further back he plays. Perhaps we should try him at centre half. Sure we should have won and didn’t. When you’re winning and the opposition score an equalising goal in the last minute of stoppage time, it’s very depressing. But this was a good performance and we should be proud of them.
I can’t say the crowd trouble at the end was a massive shock. Playing England v Russia in Marseille for an evening kick off was always likely to end in tears and not just because of the gas. The Russian fans have had a nasty hooligan element for quite some time and it was horrible to watch what happened in the stadium. It’s all very well calling for better stewarding but if you were given a bright yellow jacket and paid expenses only, would you take on a gang of drunken Russian nationalist thugs? I’m told a couple of English fans are in a critical condition. Not exactly a celebration of football.
As for our fans, we know that the vast majority are decent people just there to watch the football and have fun. But we’ve always had a hardcore group who like fighting and singing racist songs and the trouble down by the port was entirely predictable. The last fifty years of England underachievement may well have caused us much pain and misery but I’m sure police forces, if not bar owners, around the world have been delighted when we’ve been knocked out early on. I’ve been to England away matches and had tremendous fun (not watching the football obviously but afterwards trying to drown our sorrows) but there’s always been a threat of trouble. In the past, foreign police forces have definitely over-reacted to what we’d consider merely boisterous behaviour but we are definitely not blameless. The policing at this tournament hasn't helped. Our methods of identifying and isolating the ringleaders seem to be more effective than just police in riot gear firing tear gas at the first sign of trouble. But perhaps we should cut the French police a bit of slack. They’ve had a fair bit to deal with recently.
On a much happier note, the Welsh seem to be having fun. Their fans singing the national anthem yesterday was incredible, they played with spirit and fight and they’ve got Gareth Bale. Thursday afternoon is going to be one hell of a match.  

Come on England!

It’s always brilliant to wake up on the morning that England play their first game at a major tournament. To see the familiar “Time for the talking to stop - The Guardian” and “England must deliver - The Times” and “If you Fuck Up, you can stay out there - The Sun” headlines and to know that soon the nation will gather round TV sets and once again hand over our dreams to twenty-three young rich fellas who, we hope have the same dreams we do. Because surely, this time, it might actually go the way we want it to go.
Opening games are in some ways the best of the lot. Sure, I’d like to be waking up in four weeks time looking forward to a final against one of the footballing superpowers having already beaten a couple on the way. By which time of course the entire nation will be at a virtual standstill, supermarkets may well be running low on alcohol and although we’d still be in the Euros, we might well be out of the EU. But for an opening game, everyone is in the same boat. England are currently unbeaten at the top of our group on alphabetical order. It may not get any better than this.
Today, it’s Russia, a team myself and most armchair fans know very little about. I’d assume they’re well drilled and indifferent to cold weather but other than that I’m in the dark. I know they used to have the same manager that we did and I know he almost bankrupted the Russian FA. I also know that the combined age of their centre half pairing is approximately one hundred and fifteen which is roughly the same as our entire team. Surely we can’t balls this up.
I do wish some of our fans weren’t so stupid. For the second night running, police fired tear gas at drunken England fans and the wounded victim status is starting to grate. Spend the whole day drinking, sing disgusting songs about not surrendering to the IRA, taunt the hosts, cheer when Romania score a goal, start throwing chairs about and then get all irate when the police pile in. I’m sure some innocent fans were caught up in the violence and I feel sorry for them. But there is a dark side to supporting England and it pisses me right off.
Wales are playing today as well and I’d imagine the mood there is even more excited than here. They last played in a major tournament in 1958 (around the time the Russian centre backs were born) so it’s possible that of the thirty-thousand Welsh people who’ve travelled to France, not one has been to a major finals beforehand. I want them to win today so that (assuming we do as well) a draw will be enough for both of us to virtually qualify for the last sixteen.
At least the whole thing kicked off without a hitch. The opening ceremony was as bonkers as most opening ceremonies are but that’s sort of the point. If you can’t have ballerinas licking giant lollipops at your own party, when can you have them? The game resulted in a win for the hosts which I think every tournament needs. There were a lot of nerves inside the Stade De France but they did what they had to do. I sort of felt sorry for the Romanians because they deserved something from the game but then Dimitri Payet hit one of the sweetest shots I’ve ever seen and that was that.
It’s hard to come up with many events in life than can match a last minute winner. And when it’s possibly the goal of the tournament and it happens in your national stadium on the opening day, well no wonder he was in tears when he came off. We’ve all seen what he can do in the Premier League so we knew he was a class act but this was special. Now it’s our turn. Come on England!

Finally!

The Euro 2016 finals kick off later today. I’ve been waiting weeks to write that. I said yesterday that the waiting is the worst bit but having seen England in tournaments before, there’s something to be said for enjoying every minute of the build up. Because tomorrow night, England will step onto the pitch against Russia and the agony will begin. In other news, I’ve drawn France in the office sweepstake. I didn’t get them the first time but since I’m the only one who works in my office, I just kept doing it until I drew the favourites.
I’ve been reading today that the tournament organisers have been slightly red faced to discover that the mascot, called Super Victor, shares its name with a popular sex toy. I would love to have been in the meeting where that bit of information came out. I guess there’s nothing to be done at this point but if I was going to provide a name for anything, I’d probably do a quick google search first. And if that name also happened to be the name of a popular sex toy, I might consider an alternative.
Meanwhile, all is calm around the England camp before their first game tomorrow. When I say all is calm, what I mean is that absolutely anything could’ve happened but I haven’t heard about it. There could have been a knife fight between Roy Hodgson and Gary Neville but we’ll only learn about it after they’ve come back home. The news is tightly controlled. All that happens is once a day, they wheel out a player to trot out a few cliches and platitudes before the hacks. Yesterday, it was Joe Harts turn and it’s without doubt one of the more boring interviews I’ve read thus far. I don’t even need to tell you what he said. It contained amongst other things the words disappointment, determination and togetherness. You can piece the rest together yourselves. 
The fans have been arriving in large numbers and there’s been a bit of trouble in Marseilles. I’ve travelled to England away games in the past and whilst some of our lot have been known to drink too much beer and sing offensive songs (”Isis where are you” apparently), it’s also the case that police overseas can be a bit trigger happy when it comes to English football fans. I understand that if you’ve recently been the subject of large scale terrorist attacks, you may well be more than a tad jumpy but I’d like to think that everyone will calm down once the football starts. This might be over optimistic.
While we’re on the subject of misplaced optimism, there’s been a survey taken of fans across all twenty-four competing countries asking about their teams prospects in the tournament. Amazingly, a whopping 34% of England fans surveyed said that their team can triumph in France. I’d love to know who these people are. Not a single one of the England fans I know thinks we’ll get anywhere near to winning the tournament. What this means is that somewhere on this island, there are large groups of England supporters where the majority think that we’ll win the thing. I’d love to live my life like them. Floating about in a state I think they call it happiness but I’d say it’s more delusion. France to win it for me and England to make a decent fist of it and go out in the quarter finals. Probably on penalties.
 

Waiting

Finally, after the interminable eleven days when we had no football and had to settle for watching Andy Murray lose again to Novak Djokovic, we’re almost here. Three games a day for the next two weeks may seem excessive to some but there’s over an hour between games for basic hygiene and nourishment needs. And who, if they’re honest, hasn’t dreamed of the chance to watch the best eleven footballers in Hungary take on the best eleven (or possibly only eleven) footballers in Iceland?
I must say that when UEFA decided on a twenty-four team format for these Euros, I was sceptical. It just seemed like a money making exercise and I was shocked, as I think we all were, that a football executive could possibly be involved in such a crude attempt to wring more cash out of a major tournament. But the qualifiers were far more interesting than they’ve ever been in the past and some unfamiliar teams have made the finals (Albania, Iceland, Northern Ireland). And most importantly, there are twenty more games to watch.
At Camp England, the players seem to be taking turns to talk to the media. I guess it’s like penalties. For the first five days the player will volunteer for media duties and will stride purposefully forward to the press conference but later on, they’ll look like they’d rather stick needles in their eyes. Yesterday, it was Chris Smalling making the case for the defence. You never know how things might work out (Arsenal once went on a ten match run in the Champions League without conceding a goal with Mathieu Flamini at left back) but can anyone honestly say they’re filled with confidence at the thought of Kyle Walker, Danny Rose, Chris Smalling and Gary Cahill (or John Stones) lining up against Antoine Griezsman or Alvaro Morata or Gareth Bale? Even writing that gives me the chills.
I guess these things go in cycles. Ten years ago in Germany, our four centre backs were John Terry and Rio Ferdinand (probably wouldn’t happen now), Jamie Carragher and Sol Campbell but our attacking line up contained amongst others Stewart Downing, Aaron Lennon, Jermaine Jenas and Peter Crouch.
I’m not sure I’ve ever heard Chris Smalling speak before and I was surprised how thin and reedy his voice was. I’d expect that from a winger but not from a 6ft 3” centre half. It didn’t fill me with confidence. He said that English defenders were tactically aware which contradicted what I’ve been hearing all season which is that players in England don’t know how to defend anymore. I guess we’re about to find out.
The other player to have a chat was young Marcus Rashford. I think there’s now some sort of bylaw which states that Rashford cannot be mentioned without also referring to the fact that he’s young. “Young Rashford!” Like Young Winston only Marcus probably won’t go on to be Britain’s wartime Prime Minister. But then could Winston Churchill bend his runs to stay onside? Anyway, Marcus, the youngest player at Euro 2016 (born October 31 1997 - after Tony Blair was elected!) said that it feels like a dream being in France. And that makes sense because the last time he stood up to speak in front of an audience, it was probably a school assembly. But a series of unfortunate injuries to team mates has seen him given the chance and he’s grabbed it with both of his incredibly youthful hands.
So here we are. We’re almost ready to begin. I know all the cliches about stocking up on beer in the fridge but I’m confident that the supermarkets have seen this event coming for some time and have stocked up for me. I’ll go and get some when I run out. Or I might send my eldest child. There isn’t much time between the end of one game and the beginning of the next.

Hail to the Chief

So I spent an hour yesterday evening talking to a mate about England’s best formation and line up for the upcoming tournament. Because I have absolutely nothing better to do than to discuss the finer points of whether we’d be better off going with a 4 3 3, a 4 4 2 or playing a 4 5 1 whilst ensuring that the full backs get forward. And what is our best pairing at centre half. And is Rooney best suited to playing the Number ten role. And should Jack Wilshere start even though he’s played only one hundred minutes more top level football this season than I have. As you can imagine, if there would have been anyone else in the room who wasn’t interested in football, they’d have left after five minutes (it’s possible this happened and we didn’t notice).
You won’t be surprised to hear that we didn’t really come to a consensus but even if we had, getting our conclusions to Roy Hodgson would be difficult to say the least. Two days before the start of Euro 2016, he’s probably got other things to think about aside from what two random blokes with no top level managerial experience between them might have to say about his team selection and tactics. To be honest, if he showed any interest whatsoever, I’d start to doubt his credentials for the job.
One thing we did agree on was how hard the England managers job is and why on earth would anyone want it. Sure there’s the pots of cash but the pressure must be immense. And of course there are the free tickets to any game you want to watch but I’d assume that if the FA were considering you for the job, you probably wouldn’t have trouble getting tickets anyway. But seriously, who would want to take a job when you know that firstly, pretty much everyone else in the country thinks they can do that job just as well or slightly better than you? I’m not sure there’s any other job where that’s the case. If some bloke comes to mend my washing machine, I don’t have endless discussions with my mates about how I’d mend the washing machine given the chance. I just let him mend it. That’s his job.
Secondly, if you’re England manager, you also know that there’s a good chance that at some point, you probably won’t be able to leave your house or pop down the shops without getting dirty looks from random strangers. Now I have some experience in this department having once done a terrible gig on the QE2 and then having to stand in the breakfast queue the next morning. It was upsetting but, short of throwing myself over the side, there was nothing I could do.
Lastly, unless you’re very good and very lucky, you know that it will end in failure, ignominy and disappointment and you’ll be a national figure of fun, compared to root vegetables and possibly unemployable for two or three years at the least. You may well have to go abroad to get work and there’s no guarantees. Why put yourself through it?
I guess everyone goes into it thinking they’ll be the one to turn things around, revive England’s fortunes and lead us into the promised land. Even though experience suggests otherwise. I imagine they go to sleep at night thinking of telling substitutions late in games, thrilling comebacks, trophies, medals, glowing newspaper headlines, open top bus parades and the new years honours list. They probably don’t imagine standing in the pissing rain at Wembley getting dogs abuse for using an umbrella.
Anyway, Roy seems like a decent bloke. He’s massively experienced and he knows way more about football than anyone I know and I’m sure he’s spent many hours discussing the same things me and my mate did last night. Only with much more insight and awareness. He’s probably better prepared than a lot of England managers and he’s got a young hungry squad with some serious attacking talent. Maybe this is the year. But only if he talks to me before the tournament starts.

Feel the Fear

Morning. I might be misreading the situation but doesn’t everything seem rather calm at the moment? The team arrived in Chantilly yesterday and there was very little fuss. There were police outriders accompanying the coach from the airport and then a brass band, a couple of local dignitaries and some curious locals. And that was it. Seems about right. There’s enough fuss made over football at the best of times but this seemed more appropriate. Imagine if Euro 2016 was on Sky.
I also like that they’re staying in a small town. I’m not saying that the players will be frequenting the local patisseries or mooching round the art gallery which apparently houses one of France’s most important collection of old masters. It’s just good that it’s there if only to remind them that important though this football tournament is, life goes on.
Although in France, the trains might not go on. There are a couple of militant rail unions, run no doubt by a French version of Bob Crow and they’re threatening to disrupt the tournament over their demands that they couldn’t possibly work for longer than fifteen hours a week. I might have got the details slightly wrong here but this is the gist of it. And as well as that, some neo-nazi nut was arrested on the Poland-Ukraine border. He was planning to target synagogues, mosques and other public buildings before and during the championships. He had a cache of weapons, a couple of hundred pounds of explosives and twenty-five balaclavas. It’s not just me who finds the balaclavas funny yes?
Back on planet football, there’s a lot of talk about fear this morning. Roy Hodgson has talked about England playing without fear and we can all get on board with that. I think the idea is for the England players to play like they did when they were kids and let’s face it, for Marcus Rashford, this really wasn’t so long ago. Playing professional sport, particularly in a major tournaments like Euro 2016 is a serious business. But if they can somehow forget that there’s fifty-million people desperately willing them on and if they mess up, ready to turn on them when they get home, perhaps they can enjoy themselves. Easier said than done.
By the way, when it comes to fear, Roy wants to take a look at himself as well. There seems to be a lot of talk about our new attacking mindset but if we’re playing three up front and the two strikers have to make sure they don’t neglect their defensive duties, then we’re not really playing three up front are we? At this point, I was going to say that one can’t imagine Brazilian strikers being told not to neglect their defensive duties but then I remembered they lost 7-1 to Germany in the World Cup semi-final so perhaps that’s not the best example.
Roy also talked about the players not being distracted by club or external issues. I imagine he’s talking about Jamie Vardy who at this point is sitting in his luxury hotel having to think about one of the bigger decisions in his life when he just wants to be playing football for his country. We all know it’s not easy deciding on a full English or continental breakfast but I guess he’s got people around him he can trust so I hope he makes the right choice.
Roll on Friday.

Bound for Glory!

It’s a beautiful monday afternoon here in London and I’m writing this as the England squad fly out from Luton dreaming of glory. Personally, I think Luton airport is not a place conducive to glorious dreams but I guess the England squads flying experience is slightly different to mine.
You can really feel the build up now. The papers are full of it and social media is also starting to chat. I think there’s just an impatience now to get going. Even though we probably know what’s coming. Do I think England can win the Euros? Yes. We have some great attacking talent and the team is young and hungry. Do I think they will? Almost certainly not. Our defence isn’t good enough and there are five or six teams who have more experience and better players. And another ten teams where there’s not much in it. And the rest aren’t that bad.
If I’m honest, all I want is some enjoyment. Some pleasure from watching England play football in a major tournament. I’ve sat through most of the qualifiers and quite a few of the friendlies so I think I deserve my reward. A couple of big wins against proper teams. Something to shout about. Hope. Instead of my regular feeling that supporting England through a tournament will turn out to be a short but painful endurance test. The feeling that whilst every other team, including teams from tiny countries with no football history who only recently got boots and nets, are playing twenty-first century football, we’re still chugging along doing the same things we’ve always done.
In other news, Wayne Rooney has said that England need to be nastier (I think the word I’d use is streetwise but perhaps he actually meant nastier) and Eric Dier has mentioned how we need a more intelligent edge to win free kicks and wind people up. Predictably, Roy Hodgson has rejected calls for England to be cynical and said that he won’t be spending time teaching players to feign injury. To be fair, an image of the squad looking on while Roy Hodgson rolls about on the ground like Pepe is hard to conjure up so I wouldn’t want him to teach that. I’d rather get someone specialist in for that sort of job.
I have mixed feelings about the dark arts. I know they can sometimes work but you know, I’m English. Which is not to say that I’d be absolutely mortified if Jamie Vardy went down to win a soft penalty against Portugal for example in the last minute of the quarter final. I may look at my friends and think we got away with one there but that feeling would pass. Until someone did it to us in the semi-final and I’d rage against foreign footballers and their cynical ways.
Anyway, with breaks for tea and biscuits and taking the dog for a walk, I’m still writing this as the England team have landed and they have the nations hopes with them. Good luck lads. Bring us back something nice.

The Journey begins

Like a lot of people, I’m just about to embark on a month of watching a lot of football. People who know me would say that I could write this sentence at the beginning of any month in any year since around 1970 and I take their point. I watch a fair bit of football. Not as much as my friend Sean who regularly goes to watch his team live and then comes home and watches the entire game again. And possibly the highlights later on if it’s been a particularly good day. But still a fair bit of football.
Of course, the month I’m about to embark on involves England playing in a major tournament and that’s a completely different level of pain from my club team. I’ve watched all the tournaments that England have been involved in since the European Championships in 1980 and as we all know, every single one of them have ended in crushing disappointment. 1986, 1990 and 1996 were particularly bad but they’ve all let me down one way or the other.
Of course I keep coming back for more. I essentially have no choice. What else am I going to do for a month? I might watch a bit of tennis and cricket but if there’s a major football tournament happening, I can’t just pretend that I’m not interested. That being the case, I thought I’d write a daily blog for my own and hopefully your amusement. I’m not getting paid for it but I’m sure I’ll find some consolation in being slagged off on social media for expressing an opinion.
As this is the first instalment, I thought I’d lay down a few ground rules for what you might expect.
No tactical analysis - I’ll try and stick with this one even though amongst football fans, I like to think I have an above average understanding of the game. But then, which of us doesn’t? We all think that we could manage a football team as well as or better than people who manage football teams for a living. Essentially, we think that just because we’ve watched thousands of hours of something, that means we’ll be good at doing that thing. If that was the case, I’d make an excellent lesbian lover. And I’d also speak passable German.
Now I come to think about it, there are no other ground rules.
So here I am again on the brink of another roller coaster ride which will inevitably end in disillusion and bitterness and the feeling that I really should invest my energy into something more rewarding. Like paying attention to my family. Or learning to play the piano. What I’m saying is I really should know better.
The trouble is that even though I’m no longer twelve years old but into my fifties, I have an optimistic outlook and I travel hopefully into each tournament. Even though I watched the warm up game against Portugal last week with a weary sense of deja-vu and that sinking feeling I get around a week before a major tournament when I realise our manager has no idea what our best team/formation might be. Even though we’ve only taken seven defenders and I’m not sure about any of them. And even though I’ve been watching England for forty years and it ALWAYS goes tits up, in spite of all of this, I can’t help feeling that you never know. Since Leicester City won the league title, we can all truly say that miracles do happen. Maybe something magical will unfold in France from next week and Wayne Rooney will lift the trophy in Paris in July after we thrash the Germans in the final. Stranger things have happened. Not much stranger I’d admit but still.
I honestly don’t know if it’s better to be this way or not. I have friends who are all doom and gloom already and the tournament hasn’t even started. “We’ll never get out of the group” they say or “Rooney can’t play in a team behind Vardy and Kane” they opine on the basis of sixty minutes of football, or even “why isn’t Andy Carroll in the squad?” on the basis of one decent game he played for West Ham against Arsenal. They may well be right but who wants to be right? Give me a large dollop of naive optimism followed by a grim dose of reality any day of the week.
So, I’ll post once a day from now until the end of the tournament and I’ll keep going even if England get knocked out. You might not want to read it any more but as a comic who’s been to the Edinburgh festival, I’m more than used to performing to an empty room. In the next few days, I’ll get into the nitty gritty of the tournament and I may even make a prediction based on nothing more than gut feeling and personal prejudice. But in the meantime, hello.