The Credit Crunch

Some useful tips on how to avoid the credit crunch.

 

1)    Be Rich. This is probably the best option although it’s not open to many people. You could try befriending someone who’s rich although it’s often hard to find rich people who are willing to even talk to someone who isn’t. Generally, it only happens in employer/employee situations. But if you’re lucky enough to find yourself with lots of money and no sign of it running out anytime soon, you can easily avoid all the usual credit crunch problems like non-payment of direct debits or having to forgo those little luxuries like food.

2)    Live somewhere unaffected by the global economic downturn. Fishermen in Vanuatu are unlikely to be hit too hard by the collapse of the world banking system. But learning to be a fisherman in Vanuatu is not easy. Unless you own a spear and some factor forty sun-cream, it’s unlikely you’ll have the requisite tools to fit in. Some people don’t even like fish. Personally, I’m quite partial. Although, if I’m honest, I’d rather someone else caught it, filleted it and presented it to me, possibly lightly grilled and brushed with a basil sauce.

3)    Work in an industry unaffected by the downturn. There’s not a huge amount of choice for people who wish to avoid the worst effects of the collapse of capitalism. Speaking from personal experience, stand-up comedy is doing fine at the moment but obviously you do have to have a sense of humour and a certain amount of talent. Although it hasn’t stopped some people, not that I’m naming names. OK Lenny Henry. Funeral director is another possibility, although a bit like fishermen in Vanuatu, this is not an industry that can be instantly picked up. People don’t want to hand their dead relatives over to just anyone. But if you happen to be a funeral director already, or happen to know someone who is and they’re looking for staff, well done you.

4)    Invent something that everybody needs, patent it and then sell it in immense quantities. Bill Gates managed it. So did the tall one on Dragon’s Den. If they managed it, why not you? Be creative!

5)    Be on benefits already. Being on benefits is pretty much foolproof. Anyone can do it although a long-term disability helps immensely in terms of the government not bothering you. Plus, having had the benefit (no pun intended) of years of practice of living on very little, you are very well placed to continue doing the same thing. Indeed, your wealth relative to others will actually increase.

6)    Go to India and become a holy man. Divesting yourself of all your worldly possessions is a sure-fire way of keeping them out of the grubby hands of the bailiffs. You get to travel the country begging and anything you manage to scrounge is, at present, tax-free. Plus, you can legitimately smoke huge quantities of industrial strength marijuana and write it off as a spiritual necessity.

7)    Fake your own death. Keep an eye out on the news for train crashes and other disasters. When they happen, concoct a story linking you with said disaster, pack your bags, empty your bank account and set off on your new adventure. Of course you’ll miss the family but you can keep an eye on their progress on Facebook.

8)    Adopt a number of different identities. Keep those creditors guessing. In the classic Cecil B De mille film The Greatest Show on Earth, James Stewart played a doctor who murdered his wife in a mercy killing (Of course it was a mercy killing. It was James Stewart for goodness sake!) and then disguised himself as a clown with unusually well practised medical skills. He was caught at the end when he performed a six-hour operation on one of the trapeze artists and people got a bit suspicious.

9)    Invest in a number of insurance policies and then commit suicide. This is a bit final plus not everyone can do it at the same time otherwise premiums will go through the roof. But what with global finances being the way they are, it’s unlikely that anything’s going to change anytime soon. If you can stand the pain, this may be the easiest option.

10) Sit tight and don’t panic. This is not strictly avoidance but it might just work. The doomsayers may say that your house is worth thirty percent less than it was a year ago but if you’re not moving, it means nothing. It’s like saying your stereo’s worth thirty percent less. But whatever you do, don’t sell your stereo.

I hope these tips are useful in coping with the current crisis. Let me know how you get on. If you do become very rich, leave your email address. Maybe we could meet up for a coffee.  

Obama

I’ve been crying this week. I’m a forty-five year old man and I’ve been crying. Because a politician got elected. Jesus! What’s happening to me? Next thing you know, I’ll be watching soap operas and feeling empathy. People are looking at me in the same way that I looked at people who cried over Diana. My mates tell me I’m being irrational. They’re suggesting I have the emotional maturity of a six-year old girl.

It wasn’t this way for Blair, at least I don’t remember it being this way. When Blair won on that warm spring evening in May 1997, I was at a party in Islington (where else?) and we celebrated not, in my memory for Tony but because the many-headed beast of the Conservative party had finally been defeated. And not just beaten, they were stuffed. It was a happy time. But I never cried.

Obama is different. He’s hip. He’s cool. He’s universally known by just one name. (The ultimate in branding. Madonna, Kylie, Hitler although that one didn’t work out) He’s a black man in The White House. The symbolism!

So, in this momentous month, with that in mind, I’ve decided to post what I hope will be the first of a number of blogs. It’ll be a collection of thoughts and ideas with a basic sentence structure and proper punctuation. I'm not sure of the libel laws vis a vis blogs but it's unlikely that scurrilous gossip will make too many appearances on this page. It's a shame really because there's nothing I like more than scurrilous gossip but if there's even the slightest chance of me getting into legal difficulties, I'm not sure it's worth the trouble. Unless it’s particularly funny and then I’ll take my chances.

Why add my voice to the millions of others currently doing the rounds on computers around the world? Well first of all, the world changed on 5^th November and now seems like the right time to get going. Obama’s only two years older than I am and he’s the President of the most powerful country on earth. I’m a slightly successful stand-up comedian. I think I’m underachieving.

Plus there’s the possibility of a wider audience. I like the idea of someone in China being able to read stuff that I've written and possibly comment on it. Not just China obviously although that's a big market. There may be translation issues as well although I haven't really thought it through. Truthfully, I'm not that bothered whether Chinese people read it or not. Not that I've got anything against the Chinese. I was just using them as an example. I had stir-fry with black bean sauce yesterday and it was very tasty.

I'd be glad if anyone in the United States reads this. To you people, I say "well done" and I'm aware of the patronising nature of that last statement but all the same, it seems appropriate to offer my congratulations. You did the right thing by the rest of the world and we’re glad. There was nothing we could have done anyway but we’re glad all the same.

I used to do a joke about how American elections are far too important to be left in the hands of Americans and it always got a big laugh. In one sense, I'm pissed off I can't use it any more but on the other hand, electing Obama is something that's good for the world and I’ve realized I  should put aside my selfish satirical side. At least for this week. 

To the doomsayers I say what Obama says. “Yes we can”. Unless you’re John Seargent and you obviously can’t. (For specific British references, you’ll have to ask a friend). Because it’s going to be OK. Obama exudes confidence. He looks like he knows what he’s doing. Whereas George W Bush looked like he’d wandered into the kitchen and forgotten why he was there.

Plus Sarah Palin as vice-president would have been a disaster. You can’t have someone like that one heartbeat away from the presidency when the heart belongs to a seventy two year old man who’s been through a war. Of course it’s my opinion. It’s my blog. How can someone be anti-abortion and pro the death penalty. "no! you can't terminate that preganancy cos it might grow up to be a murderer and then we could kill it". Plus, I think it's a bit rich to go on about being pro-life and then kill a moose. I did quite fancy her though and wanting to have sexual relations with a vice-presidential candidate was definitely a first for me. Although I thought Michael Dukakis had lovely eyes.

So each week I’m going to choose a topic and write about it. And this week, it’s Obama. Nothing else comes close. See you next Tuesday.