The Credit Crunch

Some useful tips on how to avoid the credit crunch.

 

1)    Be Rich. This is probably the best option although it’s not open to many people. You could try befriending someone who’s rich although it’s often hard to find rich people who are willing to even talk to someone who isn’t. Generally, it only happens in employer/employee situations. But if you’re lucky enough to find yourself with lots of money and no sign of it running out anytime soon, you can easily avoid all the usual credit crunch problems like non-payment of direct debits or having to forgo those little luxuries like food.

2)    Live somewhere unaffected by the global economic downturn. Fishermen in Vanuatu are unlikely to be hit too hard by the collapse of the world banking system. But learning to be a fisherman in Vanuatu is not easy. Unless you own a spear and some factor forty sun-cream, it’s unlikely you’ll have the requisite tools to fit in. Some people don’t even like fish. Personally, I’m quite partial. Although, if I’m honest, I’d rather someone else caught it, filleted it and presented it to me, possibly lightly grilled and brushed with a basil sauce.

3)    Work in an industry unaffected by the downturn. There’s not a huge amount of choice for people who wish to avoid the worst effects of the collapse of capitalism. Speaking from personal experience, stand-up comedy is doing fine at the moment but obviously you do have to have a sense of humour and a certain amount of talent. Although it hasn’t stopped some people, not that I’m naming names. OK Lenny Henry. Funeral director is another possibility, although a bit like fishermen in Vanuatu, this is not an industry that can be instantly picked up. People don’t want to hand their dead relatives over to just anyone. But if you happen to be a funeral director already, or happen to know someone who is and they’re looking for staff, well done you.

4)    Invent something that everybody needs, patent it and then sell it in immense quantities. Bill Gates managed it. So did the tall one on Dragon’s Den. If they managed it, why not you? Be creative!

5)    Be on benefits already. Being on benefits is pretty much foolproof. Anyone can do it although a long-term disability helps immensely in terms of the government not bothering you. Plus, having had the benefit (no pun intended) of years of practice of living on very little, you are very well placed to continue doing the same thing. Indeed, your wealth relative to others will actually increase.

6)    Go to India and become a holy man. Divesting yourself of all your worldly possessions is a sure-fire way of keeping them out of the grubby hands of the bailiffs. You get to travel the country begging and anything you manage to scrounge is, at present, tax-free. Plus, you can legitimately smoke huge quantities of industrial strength marijuana and write it off as a spiritual necessity.

7)    Fake your own death. Keep an eye out on the news for train crashes and other disasters. When they happen, concoct a story linking you with said disaster, pack your bags, empty your bank account and set off on your new adventure. Of course you’ll miss the family but you can keep an eye on their progress on Facebook.

8)    Adopt a number of different identities. Keep those creditors guessing. In the classic Cecil B De mille film The Greatest Show on Earth, James Stewart played a doctor who murdered his wife in a mercy killing (Of course it was a mercy killing. It was James Stewart for goodness sake!) and then disguised himself as a clown with unusually well practised medical skills. He was caught at the end when he performed a six-hour operation on one of the trapeze artists and people got a bit suspicious.

9)    Invest in a number of insurance policies and then commit suicide. This is a bit final plus not everyone can do it at the same time otherwise premiums will go through the roof. But what with global finances being the way they are, it’s unlikely that anything’s going to change anytime soon. If you can stand the pain, this may be the easiest option.

10) Sit tight and don’t panic. This is not strictly avoidance but it might just work. The doomsayers may say that your house is worth thirty percent less than it was a year ago but if you’re not moving, it means nothing. It’s like saying your stereo’s worth thirty percent less. But whatever you do, don’t sell your stereo.

I hope these tips are useful in coping with the current crisis. Let me know how you get on. If you do become very rich, leave your email address. Maybe we could meet up for a coffee.