The North Korea Conspiracy

The world cup is in the news. Last week it was Lord Triesman saying that the Russians would bribe referees in return for the Spanish stepping aside for the 2018 world cup bid. (Not that I believe in conspiracy theories but any country that’s capable of killing someone with radioactive material could certainly lean on a ref). This week it’s North Korea allegedly torpedoing a ship from the south and the south retaliating by not allowing the North access to their TV signal during the tournament.

The story was illustrated with stock footage of North Korea. We’ve all seen it before. Crazy high stepping soldiers, massive military march pasts, enormous synchronized gymnastic displays (they’re really good at those) and Kim Jong Il looking as bonkers as ever (is it even possible to look at him anymore without hearing the song “I’m so Ronery” from the character in Team America?). But there were also pictures of the North Korean football team leaving for the world cup (seemed a bit early to me but I guess they’ll allow them some shopping time) where they face Portugal, Brazil and The Ivory Coast in the so called “group of death”, although that phrase has a rather literal meaning when it comes to North Korea.

Like I said, I don’t believe in conspiracy theories but I think that Kim had a plan. As soon as he saw the world cup draw, he must have realised what was going to happen. The other three are all going to stuff North Korea. He figured that seeing their brave boys getting pulverized by, in turn Didier Drogba, Kaka and Ronaldo would do irreparable harm to the North Korean people’s pride and self-esteem. Plus you can’t censor a football tournament and it would take more than a dodgy referee to enable North Korea to beat any of those teams.

So he used his imagination. Torpedo a South Korean ship and wind up his neighbours and lackey of the Imperial American aggressors (“what are they going to do? We’ve got nukes”). The South, outraged, blame the North and do pretty much the only thing they can do and cut the TV signal. No world cup coverage. And then after the tournament ends, Kim gets a copy of the world cup made, gives it to the players at the airport and orders them to celebrate like they’ve won it. Who would know?

Implausible? Yes. But if someone told me on July 12^th that the entire North Korean population was wildly celebrating their first world cup victory, I’d be OK with that. Everyone needs a little fantasy in their lives. That’s what the world cup is for.