In a world cup, they say that it’s the small details that really make the difference. Those little things that turn a tight game your way. Well, there’ll be plenty of time to pore over team formations and the composition of the squad. At this point, I thought I’d write about food. Tescos have published a list of the food that the England team are going to transport halfway round the world so that they’re fit and healthy for the tournament. Apparently, they’re going to buy fresh meat, fish and vegetables over there but some of the items they’re taking include:
: Forty bottles of traditional table sauces and one hundred bottles of hot sauces. That appears to me to be a lot of sauce. Even allowing for forty-five people in the traveling party, that’s still almost three bottles of sauce per person. Perhaps a bit more imagination shown by the chef might result in the need for fewer condiments. It’s just a suggestion.
: Cardini Caesar salad dressing. I must confess to never having heard of this but if we’re flying it all the way to the southern tip of Africa it must be bloody good. Does Fabio have a stake in the company?
: Two hundred bars of organic dark chocolate. Really? Chocolate is great and everything but we’re flying out two hundred bars of chocolate? It apparently provides anti-oxidants, which are good for the heart. Because let’s face it, no-one wants a heart with too much oxidant. Incidentally, I’d love to see the chocolate rider for the England ladies football team.
: Fifty bottles of extra virgin olive oil. If anything on this list tells us how much football has changed in the last twenty years, it’s fifty bottles of extra virgin olive oil. Not that I don’t approve but it still seems like a lot of oil to me. But if there’s anything a modern footballer likes, it’s as many extra virgins as possible
: Two hundred and sixty six grams of organic vegetable stock. This figure is so specific. Why not three hundred grams? Or what the hell, why don’t they just push the boat out and take five hundred grams. Live a little. It’s only half a kilo. Or slightly over a pound. Are they right on their weight limit? Is it a cost thing? Are they having to spend so much money on new pitches for Wembley that they can’t take another gram of vegetable stock? Are they flying Ryanair to South Africa?
: Ninety packs of teabags. Assuming fifty bags per pack, that’s four thousand, five hundred tea bags. That’s one hundred cups of tea per person for the entire tournament. Works out at two to three cups per day (assuming that they’re still in the tournament in July). I think they might need some more but tea is widely available in South Africa so they shouldn’t worry. They do have a choice of teas which include Peppermint, Jasmine tea or Earl Grey (Oh yeah? Earl Grey Rio?). And of course regular PG Tips. But they’re not allowed Jaffa Cakes and what’s the point of tea without a Jaffa Cake. How will they manage?
: Strawberry jam, marmalade and custard powder (bless their little cotton England socks). We’re told that the custard provides calcium for strong bones (and teeth though we’re not so concerned about that), and that, along with the jams and marmalades constitute the comfort grub that all the players will need to help them adjust to the unfamiliar environment of a large luxury hotel. “Look Wayne. There’s a weird thing in the bathroom that looks like a toilet but isn’t. It’s making me uncomfortable. Quick, get me a jam sandwich”.
Two things about all this. Firstly, what do we do with the leftovers? Are we going to leave it for the Africans? Do they need pine nuts or jasmine tea? Secondly, I hope it all works. I hope the two hundred and sixty-six grams of vegetable stock make a difference. I hope that all that pasta and those complex carbohydrates and pine nuts with balsamic vinegar imbue our boys with the energy needed to take them all the way to the World Cup Final where we spank the unfit foreigners and bring home the bacon. Which we can then have mixed with some greens and drizzled with Cardini Caesar salad dressing.
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