Boredom

The players are bored. Cooped up in five star luxury for weeks on end with nothing to do except train, eat and sleep. They’ve had enough. Which is handy because if they continue playing like they have done, they’ll be home by Thursday.

My children often tell me that they’re bored. Sometimes I provide them with things to do, sometimes they have to sort themselves out. One can’t be too hands on but sometimes they need a little help. A trip out to the park for a kick about followed by an ice cream often does the trick but this may prove less successful with the England Squad.

So here are some suggestions for them to keep themselves busy.

1) Practice passing. In fact practice any aspect of the game. They were having a lot of problems with some of the fundamentals on Friday evening. A little extra work would surely pay dividends.

2) Practice penalty kicks. Assuming they win on Wednesday (let’s just assume), we know this is going to be needed at some point. The chances of us winning four matches by the seemingly simple route of scoring more goals than the opposition are remote. Practicing penalties can’t hurt.

3) Read. Away from the training ground, there are any number of things that can help and reading is one of them. I know it’s a radical suggestion for footballers but it can be a very pleasant way to pass a couple of hours. But they should be creative. Something non-football related. Romantic comedies. Sci Fi. Chick Lit. Or one of those misery memoirs about someone who was locked in a cupboard for the first fourteen years of their life. Anything that reminds them that in reality, they’re an infinitesimally small part of the Universe and the world cup is not that important

4) Scrabble. Once they’ve read a book, they can put some of the new words they’ve learnt to practical use. To make it competitive, why not nominate the loser to be the one who has to ask Fabio to change the formation.

5) Drink. Not loads. Just a couple for one evening. They could have a small party and celebrate being one of the only unbeaten teams still left in the competition.

6) Fight. You know all that aggression that Steven Gerrard was talking about after the game on Friday? Why don’t they take it out on each other? There were plenty of moments against Algeria when they messed up. This would be their chance to exact some revenge for those misplaced passes.

7) Let the WAGS in. More importantly, only agree to them leaving when Fabio names the starting line-up. Either he lets them know whether they’re playing two days before the game or the girls aren’t going anywhere. Whatever, a couple of days of unbridled sex should keep them busy. But they need to take turns keeping an eye on John Terry.

8) Drive the players to one of the rougher parts of town, drop them off and then force them to make their own way back. The ones who get back to the hotel are guaranteed a start in the next game. More importantly, having to negotiate their way safely back through some of the more dangerous neighbourhoods should alleviate any feelings of boredom.

9) Play The Water Game. This involves a glass with a small amount of water. One member of the squad chooses a number between one and twenty-two and each player tries to guess what number he’s chosen. The one who guesses correctly gets the water in the face. This would work well with idea number five.

10) Sleep. I don’t know about you but when I’m bored, sleep helps. Do a bit of training and then go back to bed.

11) I hesitate to say this but surely pornography is available. Once it’s served its purpose, it can often be combined with number ten.

12) Call a clear the air team meeting. This can be a very risky strategy because although it will help with boredom, it may replace it with tension. Definitely do not do this after idea number five otherwise idea number six could ensue.

So there you have it. Twelve ideas to help the players fill their time between matches. A bit like the Twelve-Step Programme for alcoholics except there’s no apologies necessary. At least not until they get knocked out early and come home.