Why are we only slightly better Than Slovenia?

Until Sunday afternoon, the players in the England team, playing weekly at the top level in the Premier League and Champions League and getting paid millions of pounds a year, suffered from an enormous, collective gap of delusion. (Essentially, the difference between how good one thinks one is at something and how good one actually is. In order to maintain a satisfactory level of performance and also a modicum of sanity, the important thing is to keep that gap as small as possible). No more. You’d hope that with their humiliation at the hands of Germany the realization might finally have dawned on them that we are, as a footballing nation, only slightly better than Slovenia. The first time we had to face decent opposition, we were outclassed. They were younger, fitter and had more imagination, more heart, more team spirit and more skill. And they probably won’t even come close to winning the trophy.

Yes, Frank Lampards goal that wasn’t a goal was a joke. In a global football tournament, watched by billions of people, each and every one of whom knows that the ball was over the line, how ridiculous is it to play on knowing that the score is wrong? Rugby tennis and cricket use video technology. But not football. Consequently, England had to chase the game and were punished for pushing too far forward. But even allowing for that, does anyone really think that if we were level at half time, England would have won? And even if they had, would they have beaten Argentina? (My son who is eight years old said today that he was sort of relieved that we’d lost yesterday because he thought we’d have been “really mushed” by Argentina).

In the end, I think everyone now knows that we’re nowhere near good enough to win the world cup and if things don’t change we never will be. I got two calls from Canadian friends (I happen to like Canadians) who both questioned the wisdom, when two goals down, of bringing on a man (Emile Heskey) who can’t score. When Canadians can spot the basic flaw in our football tactics, I think we’re in trouble.

But why are we only slightly better than Slovenia? How has it come to this? We won the world cup in 1966, we probably should have at least got to the final in 1970 and we came close to beating the eventual champions in 1986 and 1990. Since then, aside from 1994 when we didn’t qualify, we’ve been knocked out twice in the second round and twice in the quarter finals. And on the evidence of the Germany game things seem to be getting worse.

Is it tiredness? Are there too many games in the Premier League meaning that the players arrive worn out before the tournament starts? They certainly looked knackered on Sunday but then one tends to get tired if you keep giving the ball away.

Is it because there are too many foreigners in the Premier League? Are our best players just not used to being on a football pitch, looking up and only having other English players to pass to? Does it scare them?

Is it the lack of flexibility? England played a fairly rigid 442 formation for the entire tournament. Was that because the manager felt that they couldn’t play any other way? Are they too stupid to do so? Do our footballers need to be brighter?

Is it because we have a foreign manager? We’ve tried both English and foreign managers and none of them have done particularly well recently. Is it time to look further afield? Are their alien life forms with solid tactical awareness and the relevant coaching badges? Are they available?

Is it because we invented football and we can’t get our heads round the fact that other countries, who’ve been playing it for less time than us are now better at it? Are we that insane?

Is it because of the way football is taught in England? Do the academies instill the correct values in our young players? Do they value grit and application over skill?

Is it the parents’ fault? Do all those dads think they’re helping their precious child’s development by screaming “get rid of it!” every time they get the ball? Is that really the best way to encourage possession football?

The answer to all these questions is probably yes. (Not the possession football question. That’s ironic sarcasm. And not the alien life forms bit. That was a joke.) But changing an entire football culture is not a simple thing especially where vested interests are concerned. Rupert Murdoch and the hype machines that are Sky Sports and The Premier League are no more interested in a successful England team than they are in the restoration of democracy in Burma. While the multi-million pound football industry continues to fund the wages of huge numbers of highly talented foreign players, English talent will be excluded and another generation of England fans will spend their hard earned cash watching the national team get soundly beaten by almost everyone. Assuming that we even qualify.

So what now? Well first let’s enjoy the rest of the world cup and some titanic matches between real football superpowers. Spain v Portugal, Holland v Brazil and Argentina v Germany. As for the England players, they’re on the plane home as I write this. I hope they’re in economy class. (If I lived near the airport, I’d go down there and boo. And I don’t care if Wayne Rooney likes it or not).

For the future, I do have one solution to the problem of the national team. We’ve tried foreign managers. I think it’s time to try foreign players. Germany’s line-up contained naturalized Poles, Turks and Brazilians. It’s time for England to do the same. I know the government is talking about limiting immigration but I just think we should limit it to countries that produce good footballers. We need some Brazilians. We can’t offer them decent weather or food but they’ll definitely get in the team. We just need to remind them to keep their heads down on the underground.

PS. I shall be discussing these issues further with Alan Davies and DJ Tayo on Armchair World Cup on sunday morning at 11am on Radio 5 Live