The Agony and the Ecstasy (but mostly the agony)

I need to talk about penalties. We’re going to have to face them at some point and we might as well think about them now and then it’s done. I think we, the supporters need to mentally prepare ourselves for the possibility. The chances of us winning four knock-out games and lifting the trophy are miniscule as it is but to do it without having to win at least one penalty shoot-out, well, to all intents and purposes they’re completely non-existent so we have to be ready.

For the players, things are simple. Walk up to the penalty area while ignoring the fifty thousand screaming fans and the suddenly gigantic opposing goalkeeper and try not to think about the fact that your entire country is pinning all their hopes and dreams on you and you alone. Place the ball on the spot, take a few steps back, inhale deeply and plant the ball firmly into the net. Simple.

They just need to practice. And practice. And then when they’ve finished practicing, they need to practice some more. They should be able to do it with their eyes shut. It might help if they did. If I was coach, I wouldn’t let them go home of an evening until they’d scored ten in a row. I’d keep them there from now till June 10^th. Now obviously this is not practical and possibly verging on a hostage situation. Although if that’s what it takes to win the World Cup, I’m prepared to go that extra mile.

Other countries manage it. The Germans rarely lose penalty shoot-outs. I don’t know whether it’s actually down to steely Teutonic efficiency or whether there’s a special file called Zen and the Art of Penalty Shoot-Outs that’s only available to Germans who get picked for their world cup squad. But when they need to be strong, German footballers stand up to be counted. And their goalkeepers seem to grow.

Whatever, the players are not my concern. I just hope they don’t balls it up again. I’m talking about the fans. How can we cope with mental stress? Well alcohol helps and everyone who’s hosting a party for an England match needs to ensure a well stocked fridge for at least two and a half hours of medium to heavy drinking.

I think positive thinking may also help. The last time we lost to Portugal on penalties, I honestly thought we were going to win. Unfortunately, I was the only person out of ten in the room that did and I feel that the negativity from the other nine contributed heavily to our defeat. I’d actually like to take this opportunity to apologise on their behalf and I’ll do my best to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

Then there’s the whole thing about not watching the penalties. I can’t abide people who can’t watch. More than that, I’d go further and say that if they don’t watch and we lose, it’s their fault that we lost. What do you mean you can’t watch? This is the final act. No-one goes to the cinema and leaves ten minutes before the end while asking their mate to let them know if it turns out OK. Not only should they be forced to watch, they should be made to sit really close to the TV and have their eyes pinned open like Malcolm McDowell in A Clockwork Orange. And if we still lose, at least we can rule them out of any blame.

Finally, we need to desensitize the nation to the traumatic effects of penalties. The government needs to act. Penalty shoot-outs should be made compulsory for every dispute. Whose turn is it to do the washing up? Penalties. Or what if it’s three in the morning and someone needs to feed the baby? Penalties (perhaps only three kicks each parent if the crying is really loud). And what if the general election is a tight affair? I think a shoot out would be the most democratic way to get a result. Before long, penalties will be as natural as breathing and we’ll breeze through the later rounds. Assuming we don’t get beaten in ninety minutes.