Slovenia!

I write this from the main square of Maribor, the beautiful second city of Slovenia. I have some shows here and it seemed like an excellent time to test the water ahead of the crucial world cup clash against England on 23^rd June. What does the man on the street think of Slovenia’s chances against us? (He thinks they’ll win 2-1, but he’d be happy with a draw). For those of you who don’t know it, Slovenia is a small country in Central Europe. I’m told that over fifty percent of the land is covered in forest although I have no way of verifying this fact. Large swathes of the country might be paved for all I know. I just haven’t got the time to check these things.

The population is just over two million but that doesn’t mean they’re as bad at football as Scotland or Wales. On the contrary, they beat Russia in the qualifying tournament. It’s unlikely that you would have heard of any of their players but they’re compact and skilful and they work hard. Like a very tidy version of Stoke City except none of the opponents in their qualifying group ended up in hospital as a result of a late tackle.

As a country, they’re no pushovers. According to Wikipedia, when Slovenia declared independence in 1991, a ten-day war followed during which “the country rejected Yugoslav interference”. Which sounds like a woman turning down the chance of a date with a prospective suitor but actually involved heavy fighting. (Having said that, I’ve had dates that ended quite badly as well). And again a few years later when most of the other countries in the region were heavily involved in the Balkan wars, Slovenia very firmly told Slobodan Milosevic that his sort of xenophobic nationalism had no place in their progressive country and he invaded Bosnia and Kosovo instead. And neither of these countries qualified for this world cup so make of that what you will.

Slovenia is a country I’ve been to on a couple of occasions and the feeling right now as always is one of quiet optimism. The last time I came here, The Queen had paid a visit a few weeks beforehand and she’d been given a horse as a gift. On behalf of The Queen, I thanked the Slovenian people for the present and mentioned that she’d said that the horse had tasted lovely. Which I think shows that Slovenians have a sense of humour but more importantly that they’re no respecter of big reputations.

Do I think we’ll beat them? Of course. But as much as I’m confident that a country with fifty million people should beat a country of two million people at anything except hide and seek, it doesn’t pay to be too triumphalist. It’s entirely possible that one of the players will be in the audience and that my deriding of his nations soccer skills is the thing that drives him on to score the winning goal against us. Football is a funny game. Who can forget the Norwegian commentator shouting “Maggie Thatcher. Can you hear me?” after Norway beat us in a world cup qualifier. Come June, there is the tiniest possibility that the Slovenian equivalent of John Motson will be screaming “David Cameron/Gordon Brown/ Nick Clegg (cross out as applicable). Your boys took a hell of a beating!”